Sunday mornings; Coming clean vol.3

Most men fail to impress me.
I want to see your fear, desires, love, pain, everything; 
your life. I promise nothing.
I'm too broken to run, so I'm calm; healing and walking silently.

I know I am strong,
and I see that you are weak.
I kneel to help you up,
to let you rise and shine like you should.
You pick women who serve.
I'm sorry you're all so blind.

I search for reasons to my excistence.
I want to know how, when, why.
Little by little I've become aware,
and I'm no longer scared.
You're all chasing and frantic,
I'm walking silently.

Coming Clean vol.2

She gave you her hand to hold,
she withdrew it cold,
marring your perception,
wounding and blinding you.
It's been so long,
It's been way longer for me,
yet you're still chasing,
stuck in the pain I try to put aside..
I can't tell you I know you,
for I don't know you at all,
those few encounters were brief,
as was the attention you gave,
you said it was true. 
Oh, how wrong of me to believe.
Yet you're still chasing.
Told me you wanted love, in essence,
and I delievered as well as I could.
So it wasn't love you wanted?
But what of holding hands, our bodies..
Of the many things you confessed to me.
Was it the time or the shortness of breath?
Forgive me, I wanted it just as much.
I dive in when the water's deep..
this time, it seems, only skin deep.
I died inside when you told me.

Resurrection is a painful thing

It's easy for you to change loves.
Rolling from one embrace to the next,
do any of them really matter?
And how did I become one..
Thank you for reminding me,
My standards have now doubled.

It's funny to see you all swarming,
for what reason do you choose me?
Just another warm place to hide,
and then proclaim you moral and me..?
Even if I ask, you still choose them.
Security is promised cheap,
just like it's delivered short.
Keep your hands away from my skin,
Unless it's me you're after, not this suit of meat..
Feel free to go through your list,
feel free to choke on forgotten names,
feel free to disappear from my eyes,
for I can't make you stay, won't keep you here.

Every time, I heal.
But the stains on your hands stay.

Coming clean vol.1

We're bodies,
laying under cold sheets at night.
And still we're bodies,
when we cover each other, out of sight.
Your touch on my skin I sense,
but I can't feel.

Stare into my eyes as I pretend to sleep,
that inquisitive look, 
one I've yet to see again.
How has it happened and how can it be undone,
what your brothers have done unto one,
Just let me caress your face.

Can you make it through the gate?
It's been closing for some time,
thought I'd see you here, thought you'd be..
Holding my heart in your grasp, bleeding,
but it's so safe there, I know..
The blood is yours.

One day these sheets won't be cold,
I might come home to an honest smile, I'm told.
Your arms a refuge, the only fortress I'll need.
I may leave my shield by the door,
I may hang my sword above our bed,
All I need from you, you already know.

And when you wake me up at night,
take me upon journeys to places I've never been,
don't be scared to see me cry..
Those tears are shed because of you.
The pain you release me from, help me forget,
help me heal until there's nothing to regret.

Nightmares in Disguise

Love drowning under hot streams,
it feels like I'm melting,
As if it couldn't evaporate the pain.
Purge my heart back to the purest red.
Unmarred, unscarred..
Untouched by careless hands.

Love lying under covers at night,
hidden, wrapped in blankets,
Sheathed in the company of my own warmth.
A strange place I've welcomed some..
They all leave.
Only pain remains, and I. 
Out of sight.

Love listening in,
a call, a knock upon the door..
A surprise to mend my soul,
it's never there.
To spare a moment of true happiness,
I would give the world, to give,
whereas you merely dream.

Sudden Flush 11.03.13

This tea has long gone cold.
And so have my hands,
I've been standing outside of late,
painting in my mind,
or so I'm told.

Be that as it may,
I've lost my colours,
They're scrambled on the floor.
How can I reach with hands, cold?
Victim again to sudden flush..

Don't be fooled by what I say,
I'm not a fortress of steel.
Those are just the wheels that carry me,
I've kept secret what lies within,
not many deserve to know.

27.03.13

Under this waterfall we may drown.
Words as drops,
thoughts as words fall.
And if we're alive at all,
we should feel each drop,
as a punch to knock us out.
Heavy lies the burden of knowledge,
crushing shoulders, bareing down,
only to be exceeded by doubt.
Strangling innocent souls,
the stinging burn 'round necks, 
previously unmarred and clean.
The flight of the frail heart,
free of it's cage, the ribcage.
It tears itself free in pain,
leaving us numb, emotionless and bare.
People walking, gaping holes to see,
with sight unbroken, we notice nothing.
Bandaged up from head to toe,
will it serve to keep the blood in?
Frozen, bitter, famished souls,
look what we to ourselves have done..
If only giving fragments at a time,
we could one day hope to get it back..
Our esteem, dignity and hope.

Masochism, Encore

Luke Pickett, he sings to my heart.

Disclaimer:
This is not about one specific person, but more about a specific conversation that included fragments of another. My reference to love should not be misunderstood for everlasting marrie-and-kids-ending love, but rather mutual interest, magnetism and affection, that is not limited to time and space, but rather the freedom and privilege to give someone cause for a smile. Security, loyalty and affection. I feel like those are mine to give, and I give them to my friends because unlike my significant others, they provide me with both loyalty and security. The affection is void of ulterior motives.

I lay my head down tonight.
Hopeful that tomorrows are new,
hopeful that I find protection from the dark.
It seems safest on my own,
False truths only come from outside.
I shiver as my warmth leaves..

Cut me in half inbetween,
Have your fill with my lower half,
so that I may escape with the upper.
Of what concern is it to you?
I'm sure I may someday stop to feel,
when the feeling I want is never real.

I greet you as an open book,
a new page, a new look.
There's a chance to overwrite wrongs,
reduce my list of gut wrenching songs.
It hurts me so my heart's turning to dust,
Because I see more than bodies in lust.

If this is what the world has in store,
then why have we got hearts at all,
when there's no love anymore.
May I have my chance to hope,
without knowing the disappointment that'll come?
It lurks behind each welcoming smile..

Fancy the fortune teller,
we could all do a decent job.
All these surprises, I feel sick.
And they aren't surprising in essence,
but I fear the murder of my remaining innocence.
And it was I who trusted you with the knife.