Sunday mornings; Coming clean vol.3

Most men fail to impress me.
I want to see your fear, desires, love, pain, everything; 
your life. I promise nothing.
I'm too broken to run, so I'm calm; healing and walking silently.

I know I am strong,
and I see that you are weak.
I kneel to help you up,
to let you rise and shine like you should.
You pick women who serve.
I'm sorry you're all so blind.

I search for reasons to my excistence.
I want to know how, when, why.
Little by little I've become aware,
and I'm no longer scared.
You're all chasing and frantic,
I'm walking silently.

Coming Clean vol.2

She gave you her hand to hold,
she withdrew it cold,
marring your perception,
wounding and blinding you.
It's been so long,
It's been way longer for me,
yet you're still chasing,
stuck in the pain I try to put aside..
I can't tell you I know you,
for I don't know you at all,
those few encounters were brief,
as was the attention you gave,
you said it was true. 
Oh, how wrong of me to believe.
Yet you're still chasing.
Told me you wanted love, in essence,
and I delievered as well as I could.
So it wasn't love you wanted?
But what of holding hands, our bodies..
Of the many things you confessed to me.
Was it the time or the shortness of breath?
Forgive me, I wanted it just as much.
I dive in when the water's deep..
this time, it seems, only skin deep.
I died inside when you told me.

Resurrection is a painful thing

It's easy for you to change loves.
Rolling from one embrace to the next,
do any of them really matter?
And how did I become one..
Thank you for reminding me,
My standards have now doubled.

It's funny to see you all swarming,
for what reason do you choose me?
Just another warm place to hide,
and then proclaim you moral and me..?
Even if I ask, you still choose them.
Security is promised cheap,
just like it's delivered short.
Keep your hands away from my skin,
Unless it's me you're after, not this suit of meat..
Feel free to go through your list,
feel free to choke on forgotten names,
feel free to disappear from my eyes,
for I can't make you stay, won't keep you here.

Every time, I heal.
But the stains on your hands stay.

Coming clean vol.1

We're bodies,
laying under cold sheets at night.
And still we're bodies,
when we cover each other, out of sight.
Your touch on my skin I sense,
but I can't feel.

Stare into my eyes as I pretend to sleep,
that inquisitive look, 
one I've yet to see again.
How has it happened and how can it be undone,
what your brothers have done unto one,
Just let me caress your face.

Can you make it through the gate?
It's been closing for some time,
thought I'd see you here, thought you'd be..
Holding my heart in your grasp, bleeding,
but it's so safe there, I know..
The blood is yours.

One day these sheets won't be cold,
I might come home to an honest smile, I'm told.
Your arms a refuge, the only fortress I'll need.
I may leave my shield by the door,
I may hang my sword above our bed,
All I need from you, you already know.

And when you wake me up at night,
take me upon journeys to places I've never been,
don't be scared to see me cry..
Those tears are shed because of you.
The pain you release me from, help me forget,
help me heal until there's nothing to regret.

Nightmares in Disguise

Love drowning under hot streams,
it feels like I'm melting,
As if it couldn't evaporate the pain.
Purge my heart back to the purest red.
Unmarred, unscarred..
Untouched by careless hands.

Love lying under covers at night,
hidden, wrapped in blankets,
Sheathed in the company of my own warmth.
A strange place I've welcomed some..
They all leave.
Only pain remains, and I. 
Out of sight.

Love listening in,
a call, a knock upon the door..
A surprise to mend my soul,
it's never there.
To spare a moment of true happiness,
I would give the world, to give,
whereas you merely dream.

Sudden Flush 11.03.13

This tea has long gone cold.
And so have my hands,
I've been standing outside of late,
painting in my mind,
or so I'm told.

Be that as it may,
I've lost my colours,
They're scrambled on the floor.
How can I reach with hands, cold?
Victim again to sudden flush..

Don't be fooled by what I say,
I'm not a fortress of steel.
Those are just the wheels that carry me,
I've kept secret what lies within,
not many deserve to know.

27.03.13

Under this waterfall we may drown.
Words as drops,
thoughts as words fall.
And if we're alive at all,
we should feel each drop,
as a punch to knock us out.
Heavy lies the burden of knowledge,
crushing shoulders, bareing down,
only to be exceeded by doubt.
Strangling innocent souls,
the stinging burn 'round necks, 
previously unmarred and clean.
The flight of the frail heart,
free of it's cage, the ribcage.
It tears itself free in pain,
leaving us numb, emotionless and bare.
People walking, gaping holes to see,
with sight unbroken, we notice nothing.
Bandaged up from head to toe,
will it serve to keep the blood in?
Frozen, bitter, famished souls,
look what we to ourselves have done..
If only giving fragments at a time,
we could one day hope to get it back..
Our esteem, dignity and hope.

Masochism, Encore

Luke Pickett, he sings to my heart.

Disclaimer:
This is not about one specific person, but more about a specific conversation that included fragments of another. My reference to love should not be misunderstood for everlasting marrie-and-kids-ending love, but rather mutual interest, magnetism and affection, that is not limited to time and space, but rather the freedom and privilege to give someone cause for a smile. Security, loyalty and affection. I feel like those are mine to give, and I give them to my friends because unlike my significant others, they provide me with both loyalty and security. The affection is void of ulterior motives.

I lay my head down tonight.
Hopeful that tomorrows are new,
hopeful that I find protection from the dark.
It seems safest on my own,
False truths only come from outside.
I shiver as my warmth leaves..

Cut me in half inbetween,
Have your fill with my lower half,
so that I may escape with the upper.
Of what concern is it to you?
I'm sure I may someday stop to feel,
when the feeling I want is never real.

I greet you as an open book,
a new page, a new look.
There's a chance to overwrite wrongs,
reduce my list of gut wrenching songs.
It hurts me so my heart's turning to dust,
Because I see more than bodies in lust.

If this is what the world has in store,
then why have we got hearts at all,
when there's no love anymore.
May I have my chance to hope,
without knowing the disappointment that'll come?
It lurks behind each welcoming smile..

Fancy the fortune teller,
we could all do a decent job.
All these surprises, I feel sick.
And they aren't surprising in essence,
but I fear the murder of my remaining innocence.
And it was I who trusted you with the knife.

Heaven

half of who inspired me..

Ma tunnen end kui taevas,
su käte vahel kui jumal.
Mida ma küll teen,
ma ei tea, 
kuid tundub, et meeldib.
Ma ei taha iial lahkuda,
siin kõrgel on liialt hea.
Sest ma tunnen end kui taevas,
su käte vahel.
Säärast rahu pole ammu saand,
et niisama olla, soojas, kaisus.
Nii väga tahetud,
justkui ujuks su tähelepanu sees..
Ja kui mul õnnestub, siis nii ma teen,
et kui mind puutud, siis põleksid.
Viimase piirini, 
edasigi veel viiksin sind.
Seejuures mõeldes, mis teeksid siis,
kui su enda kord oleks ees..

Casualties in the Making

Honey, I'm bad for you.

You stare at me,

you watch me,

you bother me all the time.

I have a radar for hearts,

and honey, hold onto yours.

I'm bad for you when I'm like this.

I'm on a roll, rolling over all of you.

Leaving behind dust,

your bones cracked, your face waxed.

Keep your lips away from me,

I'm bad for you, you'll go down.

I'm sorry I feel like I'm dying,

but you should thank your brothers for it.

For making me poisonous,

Honey, my kisses are lethal.

First taste, first death,

I'm not done yet, and I'll leave you.

Honey, I'm bad for you.

I don't mean to be like this,

but when I'm done, I'm gone.

Keep your heart closed, hide it away,

if you want a taste of death,

be prepared to die.

Dangerous, Murderous.

Light up my cigarette,
watch it burn in the dark,
this night that drowns everything.
Only the smoke and your voice,
Which is most lethal, I can't decide,
for sure I will die,
but which will get me first, I can't decide..

Bad influences, 
fluent in languages unknown,
So enticing it's beyond me,
keeping my distance, I must blow you away.
A simple breath laced with poison,
this diversion has never done me good..

Nighttime adventures on streets strange,
from whence we came and where we went,
I've seemed to be able to forget,
but nightmares are crooks to remind you again.
I've been rolling rocks uphill,
I've been filling empty wells,
I've been wanting to blow smoke in your face.

You're not chasing me
and yet I'm running all the same.
Looks sent from over my shoulder,
the land is as barren there as in front.
But hey, you could come and have a seat,
I could share a word or two,
I could give you the time of day,
and then leave you gasping.

The sun is high, burning the skies,
and yet I reckon you still think it's night.
It's so cold it'd be impossible to burn,
but I'd love to, I'd die to see you try..
To light up my cigarette,
watch it burn, look straight in my eyes.
I dare say, it left a better taste.
And after I'm done, you may follow the trail of blood.

Something from my end-of-the-year nostalgia

And with my change of attitude,
would you be drawn nearer,
or thrust further into this abyss,
I call my lonelyness?
I hardly think things would change.
You'd keep on chasing others.

I'm not one for settling down.
I'm one for quiet time
for loud time, for any kind of time,
granted that it's well spent with you.
Granted that you enjoy it too.
But I can hardly see your face,
from behind the crowd you surround yourself with.

Before I became myself,
before I knew anything,
I hardly think you would've seen me at all.
But has it changed now that you do,
when you merely look, and avert your gaze?
Or ask a silent taste, then decide to keep chasing?

Your faces are plentyful,
and so are the words that spill from each mouth.
Sweet, melodious, soothing to hear.
I'd love to give in and trust,
and maybe I already have,
but how can I, when everything we do is lost?
Apart from distant memories that remain,
or was it supposed to be this way?
I'd gladly give you freedom
give you what you already have.
I only ask that you give me back what's mine.

But your kindness is where you are cruel.
Return me my coldheartedness,
return me my freedom,
you'd only relieve me of the pain I love.
By giving to you, I keep giving to me,
and doubt this ache will ever leave..

Unlike you.

Your faces are plentyful,
charming smiles, each better than the last.
Honey, I'd wish to stay,
but I'm familiar with this game you play.
I'm weak to your tricks,
as you are not to mine, so it seems.

Your faces are plentyful,
and I've loved a few of which I've seen.
You want me to go, that I see,
but you should know, I'll never be free.
I'm weak to your tricks,
as you are but to others', so it seems.
So it seems..

So I will let you sleep,
where you let me in and forgot to leave.
Will you come looking when you wake,
I can't know for sure,
but hope is all I can offer to you.
Your faces are so plentyful..